My previous blog, “First Coaching Session,” made these points:
- The primary reason for your relationship problems is that you can’t or won’t take uncomfortable actions.
- You should relate to people on their terms because they usually won’t relate on yours.
- The three relationship styles are friendly, aggressive, and analytic.
If you missed that blog, you can read it at Blog – Ask Dr Al (ask-dr-al.com)
We’ll start with extremely aggressive people because they are the most visible. They run the world for one simple reason: They want to run it, and their extreme drives for power, money, and recognition help them to win.
Aggressive people run most organizations. They may not be extremely aggressive, but the top people in nearly all organizations are competitive. You may dislike them – many people do – but you probably can’t avoid them.
Please remember that this blog describes only extremely aggressive people. Less extreme people have the same general pattern, but they are more moderate and less rigid.
Many extremely aggressive people are famous such as:
- Donald Trump, “I love to have enemies. I fight my enemies. I like beating my enemies to the ground.”
- Football coach Vince Lombardi: “Winning isn’t the most important thing; it’s the only thing.”
- N.Y. Yankees’ owner, the late George Steinbrenner: A partner once said, “There is nothing in life quite so limited as being a limited partner of George Steinbrenner.”
GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS
Extremely aggressive people nearly always want to take control. They are hyper-competitive and must win at everything. Business, spouses, children, golf, friendships, and even cocktail parties are contests. They need to make more money, play better golf, score more points at parties, and win every argument (even when nobody else is arguing). Again, Donald Trump is an excellent example. He once said, “My whole life is about winning.… I almost never lose.”
They are obsessed with status. When meeting a stranger, they want to know: “Am I better than he is? Do I make more money, own a larger house, play better golf, ski more dangerous trails, have smarter, better-looking children?”
They are usually ambitious, tough, manipulative, hostile, overbearing, exploitative, closed‑minded, and anti-intellectual.
They can’t accept their own need for affection because it seems “weak.” Instead, they crave admiration and approval. They need to have others recognize their superiority.
Since everything is a contest, they rarely think about abstract ideas or other people’s feelings. It would distract them from the only goal that matters – winning.
They are usually insensitive and poor listeners, partly because they don’t care what most people think. They will listen to the few top people they respect or fear, but the hell with everyone else. They feel so grandiose that they often interrupt “lesser mortals.”
Despite their general insensitivity, they may possess an almost uncanny sense of other people’s weaknesses, an “instinct for the jugular.” They are wizards at “pushing others’ buttons.”
They’re impatient and ignore details. They may regard details as beneath them, something only lesser beings consider. They believe their own time is so valuable that they resent wasting it, even on discussing important details, performing essential social rituals, listening to others’ positions, or respecting their feelings.
They look confident, but they are often insecure about how good they really are. They intensely resent criticism, and they need to win again and again to prove – to themselves and others – that they really are superior. They pick fights and manipulate people just to prove how tough they are, and they surround themselves with status symbols such as expensive clothes, fancy cars, big houses, titles, and even “trophy wives” or “trophy husbands.”
They are fiercely independent. Taking orders, accepting advice, or following procedures are kinds of defeats. They are so obsessed with winning that they may cheat. They may dislike cheating because it taints their victory, but a tainted victory is infinitely better than a defeat.
A few actually enjoy breaking rules and laws. It shows their contempt for rules that don’t apply to superior beings like themselves. They may even take foolish risks for trivial gains. For example, multi-millionaire Leona Helmsley went to prison for evading taxes, sometimes for trivial amounts such as claiming that a brassiere was a business expense. She did it because, as she told her housekeeper, “Only little people pay taxes.”
Cornelius Vanderbilt, a nineteenth century robber baron said it even better, “What do I care about the law? Ain’t I got the power?”
HOW OTHERS SEE THEM
Because they are so visible, many people have strong positive and negative opinions about them. Some see them as strong and self-confident and want to follow them. Others see them as overbearing and obnoxious and want to avoid them. Because they are often successful, many people, even ones who admire them, are jealous or resent them.
HOW THEY SEE THEMSELVES
Extreme people see their style as an asset, especially the aggressive ones. They want to compete and often win. Winning proves that their style is an asset, and they ignore their weaknesses. They believe that they are supremely self-confident because they are smarter, tougher, and better than others. They dismiss criticism. For example, before he became president, Donald Trump said, “Those who dislike me don’t know me and have never met me. My guess is that they dislike me out of jealousy.”
HOW TO RECOGNIZE THEM
They are generally easy to recognize, but nobody is always consistent. Even the most extreme aggressives have some friendliness and analysis. Don’t forget that point when you’re trying to size up strangers. Never assume that, just because someone is primarily aggressive, he is just like other aggressives.
Extremely aggressive people crave recognition, and everything about them says, “I’m a winner!” They show off obvious status symbols such as big houses, offices, and desks, expensive cars, clothes, and jewelry, awards, degrees, and pictures of themselves with celebrities and of their “trophy families,” perhaps posed near their Mercedes, boat, or big house.
Because they constantly compete, even a handshake can be a contest: They show off their strength by squeezing painfully. Their chairs may be on a platform so they look down at you, or they may have light or a window behind their desks so you can’t see clearly.
A loud voice, obvious impatience or boredom, pushing ahead in lines, jabbing a finger near your face, and poking your chest are aggressive signals.
They often interrupt, partly to show their superiority, partly because they don’t care about your opinions.
FEARS
They are afraid of losing, helplessness, and being dependent on other people. Since these fears conflict with their needs to look and feel strong, they deny them. Psychiatrists call them “counter‑dependent.”
Some of them are so afraid of being or looking weak, that they can’t ask for help or admit mistakes. They may even deny extremely obvious and dangerous weaknesses. For example, shortly after a heart attack, they may ignore their doctor’s advice and literally kill themselves by playing five sets of tennis or working too hard.
HIDDEN QUESTION
Nearly all of us have hidden questions about other people. We indirectly ask, “Are you my kind of person?” We test strangers repeatedly until we get an answer.
Extremely aggressive people’s hidden question is: Are you good enough to deserve my attention? (Because I deal only with people like me, the best.)
It can be phrased in many ways. “What’s your title?” “Did you make quota last year?” “Where do you live?” “What kind of car do you drive?” “What’s your golf handicap?” “Where did you go to college?” “Where are your children studying?” “Do you ski the advanced slopes?”
They test your toughness by keeping you waiting, interrupting you, taking outrageous positions, or just general rudeness. If you let them get away with it, they often decide that you’re too weak to bother with.
I once failed such a test. After being a professor at UCLA and Carnegie-Mellon, I had become a research fellow at The Catholic University of Louvain, Belgium. In Europe professors usually get extreme deference.
While interviewing me for a consulting assignment, a prospective client said, “You’ve got the right background, Schoonmaker (not Mr., Dr., or Professor, the only polite forms of address between strangers, especially in Europe). But there’s a problem: You’re a whore. You’ll work for anyone, and we have some very sensitive information here.”
If I had objected, he almost certainly would have backed down. Instead, because I was young, naïve, and hungry for business, I said, “I wouldn’t violate your confidentiality.”
It was exactly the wrong thing to say. I failed the test by not demanding respect, which proved I wasn’t tough enough for him. I lost twice. We didn’t do any business, and now, many years later, I’m still a little angry – at him and at myself!
ATITUDES TOWARD OTHER PEOPLE
Since everything is a contest, they regard almost everyone as a competitor, and they want to beat them badly. They often play games and try to score points, even when you’re not playing their game.
Because they will do almost anything to win, they assume others will do the same and distrust them. They often regard attempts to build trust as signs of weakness or proof that someone is trying to manipulate them. They think, “You can’t fool me. I’m too smart.”
Everybody needs affection, but aggressives may deny it. When they get rejected, they often become extremely hostile, and a few of them – both male and female – become violent.
They respect only other aggressive people, and they regard friendly people as “wimps,” and analytic one as “nerds.”
STRENGTHS
Their greatest strengths are their competitiveness, ambition, drive, and ability to use power. They run the world because they’re so hungry for power and status that they make sacrifices that less-driven people won’t make.
They are also comfortable with conflict and its associated emotions. These strengths can be seen clearly during negotiations, and you negotiate far more often than you think. Every time you and others disagree about anything, from a huge business deal to where you should eat lunch, you may end up negotiating.
They regard almost everything as a contest. Trivial disagreements (such as where you eat lunch) can become huge power struggles, and they will do almost anything to win. They will make extreme demands, get angry (or fake it), stall, and take many other actions that most people refuse to take.
As noted earlier, they often have an uncanny sense of other people’s weaknesses and how far they can be pushed. They will push you right to your limit (or even beyond it).
WEAKNESSES
Their impatience and contempt for details often create serious problems. They may, for example, rush into an agreement without fully understanding its implications. Or they may sign an agreement that is so poorly worded that it can’t be implemented properly.
Their hyper-competitiveness is a much more serious weakness. They must win, even if the stakes are trivial, even if the victory costs them much more than it’s worth. Others get sick of battling, and they become resent losing again and again. So they fight back or just end the relationship. The aggressives “win the battle, but lose the war.”
They often see attempts to compromise, not as steps toward a mutually satisfactory arrangement, but as signs of weakness. Their aggression prevents them from building trusting relationships, creates resentment, and can make it nearly impossible to work together harmoniously.
They may hold onto a position or continue a strategy long after it was obviously wrong. Changing positions or strategies is seen, not as a sign of maturity and flexibility, but as proof of weakness. As Donald Trump put it, “My style of dealmaking is quite simple and straightforward. I just keep pushing and pushing and pushing to get what I’m after.” He obviously believes that his extraordinary pushiness is a strength, but so many people distrust and detest him that he is the only president to be impeached twice.
HOW TO RELATE TO THEM
Because they run the world and most organizations, you’d better learn how to relate to them. Unfortunately, it’s often hard to do it, especially if you are friendly or analytic.
You naturally want to relate to them in the way that makes you comfortable. If you’re friendly, you move toward them with warmth and openness, but it makes them think you’re weak. If you’re analytic, you move away from them with impersonal facts and logic, but they think you’re a bean counter.
A future blog will recommend ways to relate to extremely aggressive people. But first, let’s describe friendly and analytic people. You should understand all three relationship styles because the clash between styles causes many severe problems.
Dr. Al Schoonmaker
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