WHAT’S YOUR RELATIONSHIP STYLE?

My most recent blogs described the three extreme relationship styles: Aggressive, Analytic, and Friendly. Hardly anyone is that extreme, but this quiz will help you to understand and adjust to your own style. Future blogs will tell you how to relate to other kinds of people.

• Friendly people move toward others with warmth and openness.
• Aggressive people move against them by competing and attacking.
• Analytic people move away from them with facts and impersonal analysis.

Of course, you do all three, depending on the situation, but you have a preferred style. This test measures that style. You will learn that acting naturally will often damage your relationships. Other people will react in ways that make no sense to you.

• If you’re too friendly toward aggressive or analytic people, you’ll be seen as a wimp or a clinger.
• If you’re too analytic, aggressive people will regard you as a bean counter, and friendly people will think you’re a cold fish.
• If you’re too aggressive toward friendly or analytic people, they will think you’re a bully.

If you don’t understand your style and its impact on various types of people, you will surely have some severe relationship problems. This test and later blogs will help you to relate to different types of people.

An earlier blog, “The First Coaching Session,” stated:

1. The MAJOR reason for your relationship problems is that you can’t or won’t take uncomfortable actions.
2. You should relate to people on their terms because they won’t relate on yours.

You probably don’t want to relate on the terms of people who are extremely different from you, but you’d better learn how to do it. If you act naturally, you’ll get the terrible results we just described.

If you understand how your style affects various people, you’ll know when and how to change your approach. This test is the essential first step toward that goal. Future blogs will provide specific advice about how to adjust your style to anyone you encounter.

DIRECTIONS

For each question, divide 10 points between the three answers. You can give all ten to one answer or split them in any way you like.

The more honest you are, the more you will learn about yourself. If you want to create an image, you can easily “cheat,” but it defeats the test’s purpose. You can’t improve relationships without knowing how you really think, feel, and act.

THE TEST

I care most about:

1. People __
2. Power __
3. Facts and logic __

I dislike:

1. Loneliness __
2. Helplessness __                 
3. Closeness __

I want:

1. Affection __
2. Respect __
3. To be left alone __

Toward other people, I am:

1. Gentle __
2. Tough __
3. Distant __

I prefer to be with:

1. Friendly people __
2. Successful people __
3. Logical people __

With details, I am:

1. OK, but not really good __
2. Weak __
3. Very good __

I want to be:

1. Popular __
2. The boss __
3. Left alone __

I clearly express:

1. Tender emotions __
2. Tough emotions __
3. No emotions __

I am:

1. Warm __
2. Competitive __
3. Cold __

When shaking hands with a stranger,

 A. I move close, shake gently, hold their hand for a long time, and

     smile warmly to say: “Let’s be friends.”

B. I move close to invade their space, shake briefly and forcefully,

    squeeze their hand, and look intently into their eyes to say:

    “I’m stronger, smarter, and tougher than you are.” __ 

C. I stay far away, shake briefly, and minimize eye contact to say:

    “I don’t want a close relationship.” __

Calculating Your Score

Add up the points. Make sure they total 100.

1. Friendly             ___
2. Aggressive         ___
3. Analytic             ___

Interpreting Your Score

If one score is above 55, it’s your natural style. The higher your score, the more extreme you are, and the more problems you will have with others. Your need for closeness, power, or distance will make them uncomfortable.

If no score exceeds 55, but two scores total 80, you’re that combination.

If neither of the above, your style is balanced.

WHAT’S YOUR REACTION TO THIS TEST?

A short test has obvious limitations. We’re just getting started, and it’s a good idea to keep track of your progress. If you read my blogs, articles, or books, you should update your answers to a few questions.

What did you learn about yourself?

What did you learn about relating to other people? 

What are your natural strengths?

What are your natural weaknesses?

Future blogs will analyze the strengths and weaknesses of each style and tell you how to improve your relationships.

Dr. Al Schoonmaker

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