They are so desperate for affection that they can never get enough of it. They need constant reassurance that other people really love them. For example, Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor, Tommy Manville, and many others married again and again, hoping that their next spouse would fill that huge hole inside themselves. When this mate failed, they moved on to another one. Marilyn Monroe was so insecure that several husbands and millions of adoring fans couldn’t give her enough love, so she killed herself.
Jimmy Carter was not extremely friendly. He would not have become president without a strong drive for power. But he was the friendliest president of modern times. Instead of leading forcefully, he was self-effacing (carrying his own luggage, walking at his inauguration, using the name, “Jimmy”). He constantly pleaded for trust and affection from us, our allies, and even the Soviets. He gave away the Panama Canal in the foolish hope that it would make some people love him.
He also illustrated some of extreme friendliness’ positive effects. After the Vietnam War, Watergate, and Nixon, we needed a gentle, decent, honorable, and trustworthy president.
GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS
Extremely friendly people crave love, acceptance, understanding, and approval from others. They can’t feel good about themselves unless they believe that others love them. Their needs are so intense that they can’t be satisfied, and their constant demands for reassurance will often drive others away, increasing their desperation.
They are warm, friendly, and sincerely interested in other people. They avoid competing and just want to be part of a group. Because they are gracious and welcoming, they make other people feel comfortable.
Because they sincerely like and need to be liked by other people, they are good listeners and sensitive to other people’s needs and feelings.
They communicate openly and honestly, and they expect the same from others. Because they are trustworthy, they trust people, even when they should be more skeptical. (Used car dealers love them.)
They are cooperative, flexible, and compliant. They go along with other people’s ideas because they trust them, want to be liked, and are afraid of conflict.
They are givers. They want to help people, especially those who reward them with gratitude and affection.
They often become extremely dependent upon others and expect them to solve all their problems. They may tolerate extreme physical and emotional abuse and may even be proud that they sacrifice so much to help others. Their sacrifices are primarily driven by their fear they will be rejected if they assert themselves. They think they’re behaving selflessly, but they are just relieving their desperate fear of being alone.
HOW TO RECOGNIZE THEM
Because they want you to know friendly they are, you’ll get clear signals. They smile at you and look you right in the eye. They stand and sit close to you. When they shake hands, they move closer and hold your hand longer than usual; they may use both hands to increase the contact.
Because they want to fit in, their clothes are often just like the ones worn by their friends and neighbors.
Their homes and offices clearly say, “We’re just folks, and we’re glad you’re here.” Instead of degrees, awards, and other status symbols, they have “warm, fuzzies:” family pictures, children’s drawings, or quotations about kindness, love, and peace.
Holding your arm while talking clearly indicates extreme friendliness. They are afraid you’ll leave.
A soft voice and a gentle, passive manner are signs of friendliness. So is listening intently. If someone’s voice, gestures, and entire manner say, “I want to understand you personally,” he’s friendly (or faking it).
HOW OTHERS SEE THEM
Most people naturally like and trust them, at least at first. They are seen as warm, open-minded, trustworthy, good friends, and team players.
Aggressives see them as weak and vulnerable, their “natural victims.” They can easily manipulate and exploit them, and they enjoy doing it. Friendly people yield to the aggressive ones’ demands, even when they should be more skeptical, perhaps even when they know they’re being exploited.
Analytic people see them as clingers who demand too much reassurance. They dislike their demands for closeness and pull away. If the friendly ones demand too much closeness, they often end the relationship.
HOW THEY SEE THEMSELVES
They don’t see themselves as weak, clinging, or needing reassurance. They think, “I’m warm, considerate, understanding, and flexible because it’s the best way to be.”
FEARS
They are afraid of being alone, of rejection, and of all forms of conflict and competition. Hostility really scares them, especially their own. They want to believe they feel warmly toward everyone and vice versa.
These fears can create serious problems. They try to create a friendly atmosphere, even when an impersonal or competitive one would be much better. They trust others or appeal to their generosity, even when dealing with a devious, manipulative crook. They often take an impersonal conflict as a personal rejection.
HIDDEN QUESTION
Do you really like me? (Because I avoid people who don’t) Despite being too trusting, they often doubt other people’s motives and sincerity. You may wonder, “How can someone be too trusting, but have these doubts?” That’s the sort of absurd contractions that excessive needs can create.
Because they are so insecure, they ask for reassurance again and again, which is counter-productive. Instead of bringing others closer, the repeated demands for reassurance drive them away.
They have these doubts, partly because their needs are insatiable, partly because they have been victims so often. They know that other people take advantage of them and wonder, “Are you really my friend, or do you just want to get something from me?”
ATTITUDES TOWARD OTHER PEOPLE
Extremely friendly people are the opposite of extremely aggressive ones. Instead of distrusting others because they see them as competitors or enemies, they trust them because they are friends or potential friends. This trust is often misplaced. Some aggressive people look at them and think, “Lunch is served.”
Because they dislike and avoid all forms of conflict, they look for ways to cooperate even when others are clearly competing or exploiting them. They may even rationalize, “Well, somebody has to be reasonable. Since they’re so nasty, I’ll yield and hope for the best.”
They are most comfortable with other friendlies and regard aggressives as “bullies” and analyts as “cold fish.”
They express their need for affection so openly and frequently that they exhaust people and drive them away. They may feel that others owe them love. When they get rejected – even about trivial matters – they often become more clinging or try to create guilt: “How can you be so mean when I’ve given you so much?”
A few of them form close relationships with extremely aggressive people, especially spouses. It’s usually, but not always, a friendly wife and an aggressive, bullying husband. This unhealthy pattern is driven by both parties’ excessive needs. The aggressive person needs to dominate, and the friendly one needs to submit.
The most extreme cases of this pattern are called “the battered person syndrome.” Wikipedia describes it as “a physical and psychological condition of a person who has suffered (usually persistent) physical, emotional, or sexual abuse from another person…. [sometimes] The abused thinks that the violence was his or her fault.”
STRENGTHS
Their pattern of strengths and weaknesses is the opposite of aggressive people’s. Each is strong where the other is weak.
Aggressives are natural competitors; friendlies are natural cooperators.
Aggressive are natural exploiters. Friendlies are natural victims.
Aggressives’ distrust creates distrust. Friendlies’ trust creates trust.
Aggressives create conflict, while friendlies deny, avoid, or minimize it.
Aggressives have many short-term victories, but are poor at developing long-term relationships. Friendlies lose too often, but they may develop good long-term relationships.
Aggressives exaggerate and lie. Friendlies communicate openly and honestly.
Aggressives are poor listeners. Friendlies are good ones.
Aggressives are too rigid. Friendlies are too flexible.
Aggressives are poor team members. Friendlies are good ones.
WEAKNESSES
Since the “Strengths” section contrasted the strengths and weaknesses of extremely aggressive and friendly people, I won’t repeat those points. I’ll just tell some stories.
As noted earlier, Jimmy Carter was much friendlier than most presidents, and he clearly demonstrated one of friendly people’s greatest weaknesses: being too trusting. He ignored history and many of his advisors, believed the Soviets’ most outrageous lies, and repeatedly made foolish concessions. Then, when they invaded Afghanistan, he publicly lamented that he had never understood what kind of people they were.
He also demonstrated a weakness derived from friendlies’ naïvite. When they finally realize that others have lied and taken advantage of them, they can feel betrayed and become extraordinarily rigid and vindictive. His reaction to the Soviets’ invasion of Afghanistan hurt us almost as much as it hurt them. He withdrew from the SALT negotiations (increasing the danger of a nuclear war), prevented the delivery of millions of tons of grain (which cost our farmers billions of dollars), and withdrew the American team from the Olympics (destroying our athletes’ dreams).
A far worse example of destructiveness is the “battered wife defense” for the premeditated murder of a husband. Defense lawyers have claimed that the only way an extremely submissive wife could survive was to kill her brutal husband. If you Google, “The Burning Bed,” you will see that this defense occasionally worked.
These stories show that it’s much better to set and defend firm boundaries than it is to let people abuse you until you get fed up and act irrationally. Alas, some extremely friendly people just can’t do it.
Dr. Al Schoonmaker
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