My previous blogs described extremely aggressive, friendly, and analytic people. Another blog contained a short test, “What’s Your Relationship Style.”
If you haven’t read those blogs or taken that test, click HERE. Read those blogs, and take that test. You’ll learn much more from this blog with that information.
Many people with an extreme style regard it as an asset, and they ignore its downside (and every extreme style has a downside):
- Extremely Aggressive People love to compete, and they often win. Winning proves that their style is an asset, and they ignore the fact that many people intensely dislike them. They believe they are smarter, tougher, and better than other people. They dismiss criticism. For example, before he became president, Donald Trump said, “Those who dislike me don’t know me and have never met me. My guess is that they dislike me out of jealousy.”
- Extremely Friendly People need closeness and affection, and they think that being warm, trusting, and open-minded is the best way to create good relationships. It works with some people, but not with others. If someone doesn’t like and respect them, they believe it’s the other person’s fault.
- Extremely Analytic People cherish facts and logic, and they dislike and distrust emotions. They want to minimize or eliminate all feelings and relate almost as computer to computer rather than as people with emotions, especially the “irrational” ones of the other extreme styles. They may realize that many people regard them as “cold fish,” but, like extremely aggressive and friendly people, they blame the negative reactions on others. If they weren’t bullies or clingers, they’d see that their needs for power and closeness make them react irrationally to the best style.
In other words, regardless of which extreme style you have, you should recognize that:
- People with different styles will react negatively to you.
- Their reactions are not a sign that they are stupid, jealous, or irrational. They are just different.
- Your own need for power, closeness, or distance can make you react irrationally and counter-productively.
- To become more effective with others, you should understand how they want to relate and relate on their terms, not yours.
- You don’t relate on their terms because it makes you uncomfortable.
- To summarize, you’re the problem, and only you can solve it.
These points were introduced in an earlier blog, “The First Coaching Session.”
“Coaches, counselors, psychotherapists, attorneys, and other professional advisors are often asked, ‘What should I do about my wife?’ (or husband, friend, boss, etc.) When they tell us their problems, it’s obvious that they want us to change the other person.
“Our standard answer is: ‘I can’t do anything about them; they’re not here. All I can do is help you to change the way you react.’
“Many clients say or think, ‘Why should I change? He’s the problem!’ They often leave and look for someone who will tell them the lie they want to hear. “They’re wrong. You’re right.”
“Nonsense!
“If you’ve read this far, your mind may be open enough to consider, at least briefly, that you should work on changing yourself.”
That’s the objective of these blogs: changing the ways you react to different types of people. It isn’t easy for anyone. We all want to relate to people on our terms, not theirs. But, to have good relationships, we should understand what others want and then give it to them, even though it makes us uncomfortable.
Giving them what they want is especially hard for people with any extreme style. Your own need to win, be close, or remain distant is so strong that it causes serious problems. To improve your relationships:
- Understand how your excessive need causes mistakes. If you don’t understand or won’t accept that unpleasant fact, you’ll keep making those mistakes. Your need will overpower your rational brain, and you will demand more from other people than they will give you.
- Focus on learning what other people want and how they think and feel.
- Minimize your own desire for comfort. Focus on giving them whatever makes them comfortable. The more comfortable they become, the better your relationships will be.
The same general principle applies to everybody, regardless of their personal style: Concentrate on their comfort, not yours. Please forgive my repeating myself, but you must accept that It’s much harder to do for extreme people. Your needs are so strong that you keep making the same mistakes, but you won’t admit it or accept responsibility for your problems. In your innermost heart, you believe, “If other people weren’t so jealous, pushy, weak, or illogical, we’d get along fine.”
But they are what they are, and they won’t change. Discomfort is part of the price you must pay to get better relationships. Let’s discuss the specific changes that each extreme type should make.
IF YOU ARE EXTREMELY AGGRESSIVE
Lighten up. Don’t push so hard. Concentrate on understanding other people’s emotions. These themes interact with each other because your obsession with winning often prevents you from understanding, or even trying to understand how other people feel. Every recommendation builds on these themes. Use your natural strengths, but adjust to your aggression’s negative effects.
Don’t make everything into a battle. Focus on the important ones, and let other people win a few.
Listen better; try to understand how people FEEL. You don’t care much about feelings, but most people care very much about them. Look for signs that you are pushing too hard, that they are becoming uncomfortable, stubborn, or angry. You may enjoy making them feel bad; you’ve won a contest they didn’t know was happening. But your pleasure will be brief, and the long-term costs could be exorbitant. Countless aggressive people have been shocked when someone they enjoyed pushing around suddenly fights back. For example, some aggressive husbands beat up their wives for years, and they never expect them to poison their coffee.
Be more flexible. Don’t take extreme positions and then insist, “It’s my way or the highway.” It makes you feel like a winner, but they feel like losers, and nobody likes to lose.
ABOVE ALL, let them save face. It’s the purpose of all these recommendations. I’ll repeat a previous point because it’s your greatest weakness. Your extreme need to win makes other people feel like losers, and they ALL resent it.
IF YOU ARE EXTREMELY FRIENDLY
Toughen up. Accept the fact that conflicts are inevitable, and that most conflicts don’t imply personal rejection or hostility. They’re just part of life. Don’t take them so personally.
Adjust to your style’s negative effects. Use your natural ability to build relationships, but don’t become s such a people-pleaser that you get treated like a doormat.
DEMAND what is rightfully yours, and let people know what you deserve. When the situation calls for it, make demands, even if it makes you intensely uncomfortable.
Become more skeptical. Accept the unpleasant reality that most people are not completely open, and some of them – especially aggressive ones – actually enjoy lying. It’s another way to win. Don’t be much more open and honest than they are. Always remember, information is power. If you give it away, it will often bite your butt.
Insist on reciprocity. The best relationships happen when everyone is frank and flexible. If they are acting that way, of course, you should cooperate. But don’t play that game all by yourself. Be only as open, trusting, and flexible as they are. If they refuse to be open and honest, or if they won’t compromise, get tougher. The worst relationship occurs when you are frank and flexible, and they are devious and rigid.
ABOVE ALL, recognize that most people respect strength. They see your extreme friendliness, not as an asset, but as a liability, a sign of weakness. If you become tougher, most people will respect you more.
IF YOU ARE EXTREMELY ANALYTIC
Loosen up. Accept the obvious, but unpleasant, fact that all relationships contain emotional elements. You may intensely dislike this fact, but you pride yourself on being objective. It’s irrational to deny reality and expect relationships to be completely logical. No matter how much you dislike emotions, they affect every relationship.
Adjust to the problems your style creates. Accept the fact that most people like to relate personally, so give them what they need, even though it makes you uncomfortable.. It doesn’t cost that much time or energy to have a long handshake, make small talk, and do a few other things to relax them.
Tune into other people’s feelings. Go beyond the facts and figures, and try to understand what they want and why they are acting this way. You may not care about their feelings, but they certainly do.
Be MUCH more flexible. Continue to plan carefully, but include some flexibility. “If they do this, I’ll do that. But, if they object to my position, I will …” Occasionally, set your plans aside and focus on what everybody wants to accomplish. Then openly consider varied approaches. That is, resist your natural tendency to stick to the one best solution. Some ideas can seem illogical, but still work. When necessary, accept ideas that are less than ideal, but still satisfy everybody’s objectives.
ABOVE ALL, accept that relationships are between people, not computers. No matter how much you dislike feelings, they affect every relationship. Mimicking a computer may make you comfortable, but it guarantees severe long-term problems. Other people want more from you than facts, figures, and logic. They insist, sometimes directly, sometimes subtly, that you relate to their feelings.
Dr. Al Schoonmaker
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